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QQ & WeChat: a threat to marriage in China?

By Tom McDonald, on 24 September 2013

Photo by flowcomm (Creative Commons)

Photo by flowcomm (Creative Commons)

Writing in the 1970s, Margery Wolf noted the pressures faced by rural Chinese women when they married. Women would typically leave their home village, where they were well cared for by their own family, and move into their husband’s village. As outsiders in this new place, women were positioned at the very bottom of society. They had no social network and were faced with the very difficult task of having to form social connections with other women in the village who they believed they could trust in order to survive.

This old social phenomenon has taken a somewhat different spin with the advent of new social media in the small town and villages that make up our North China fieldsite. I have noticed that many women report their communication networks get smaller in adulthood. Particularly worth emphasising is that in many of the responses to our questionnaires, young women told me that they moved away from social networking once they got married. I have a hunch this may have something to do with important aspects of female morality and forms of exclusion from the public sphere. For example, it was very rare for women in our fieldsite to use their own photos as their avatars or in their QZone profiles, and many women practiced ‘locking’ access to some or all of their QZone albums (QZone does not offer the same fine-grained privacy controls seen in Facebook) with a security question to test their familiarity, such as ‘What is my name?’.

One such example came from Mrs Hu, a 30 year old married woman with a young son, who runs a shop in the town. She explained to me that social media use carries with it certain dangers. There was an occasion when one of her male ‘online friends’ (wangyou) sent her a QQ message saying: ‘I have changed a QQ number, add my other QQ number.’ She asked him why he wanted her to add the other number [havng a second QQ account can be a cause for suspicion]. He replied that it was ‘because my wife knows’ (yinwei wo laopo zhidao). She explained to me that this made her angry, because she had never met the man, and she told me she sent the man a message saying ‘I have no special connections with you, what does it matter if your wife knows?’. Following this occasion, she became far more careful with who she became friends with via social media, and even went to the trouble of reassigning the gender of her QQ and WeChat profiles to male in an effort to detract male strangers from ‘friending’ her.

While women in the town have tended to opt to more carefully control who they communicate with following marriage, and to limit their visibility on social networks, the situation is somewhat different for men – instead we tend to see a larger amount of social networking and media use amongst men once they get married.

Part of this may be down to a traditional expectation that men are supposed to earn money for the family, and therefore be spend more time outside home. There is a saying in Chinese that ‘women live on the inside, and men live on the outside’ (nv zhu nei, nan zhu wai). There is a common perception in my fieldsite that men need ‘connections’ (guanxi) and a wider set of connections in order to achieve this. Men are expected to be somewhat more ‘overtly expansive’ in relationships than women.

This is where social media comes in. It is becoming clear to me that one of the main differences between Chinese social media (QQ, WeChat) and their non-Chinese counterparts (Facebook, Twitter, etc) is that the Chinese social media appears to be much more strongly oriented towards making new friends, especially with strangers. However, as well as this fitting into the accepted ideal of socially extravert males, it also seems to be conducive to extra-marital affairs.

An example of this comes from Mr Wang, also in his thirties. I had heard from others that Wang was a particularly ‘chaotic’ person. One day I bumped into him sitting and chatting in a store. We became friends and added each other via WeChat’s ‘shake’ (yao-yi-yao) function. He told me that he only uses WeChat during the day, and avoids using it at night-time. “If my wife knows I use WeChat she will smash my phone” he told me with a smile.

In a society as concerned with marriage as China, it goes without saying that social media is having an enormous impact in transforming this social institutions. The two cases I have provided here are extreme ones, but I would say that here in the North China fieldsite many people seem to believe that social media can be especially damaging to marriage. Perhaps this is most forcefully proved by the fact that relatively few of our participants seem to communicate with their spouses via social media, instead preferring to call or even more rarely, text.

11 Responses to “QQ & WeChat: a threat to marriage in China?”

  • 1
    AnthroTom wrote on 24 September 2013:

    RT @UCLSocNet: “If my wife knows I use WeChat she will smash my phone” –Social media and marriage in China http://t.co/l98gZTKwNR

  • 2
    hichamchraibi wrote on 24 September 2013:

    Dr Tom McDonald discusses how residents of a small town in rural China often view local social .. http://t.co/kskqYvst3q #socialmedia

  • 3
    microblogstudy wrote on 24 September 2013:

    #Chinese Social media #threat to marriage http://t.co/BLL50XDVmd

  • 4
    PalgraveCultMed wrote on 24 September 2013:

    RT @UCLSocNet: “If my wife knows I use WeChat she will smash my phone” –Social media and marriage in China http://t.co/QwTyHo1QS4

  • 5
    Lucy Chen wrote on 24 September 2013:

    Lucy Chen liked this on Facebook.

  • 6
    ChrisHarker wrote on 24 September 2013:

    RT @UCLSocNet: “If my wife knows I use WeChat she will smash my phone” –Social media and marriage in China http://t.co/l98gZTKwNR

  • 7
    LondonLucre wrote on 24 September 2013:

    Chinese social media “seems to be conducive to extra-marital affairs” http://t.co/J3meCF5Iuw

  • 8
    DannyAnth wrote on 25 September 2013:

    Is social media a threat to marriage in China? http://t.co/p3bgfIJnte

  • 9
    Jim wrote on 7 October 2013:

    A good explanation of why women who acquire boyfriends or husbands withdraw from their female social circles can be found in the saying “防火防盗防闺密” which means “protect against fire, protect against bandits, protect against girlfriends” which means keep other women out of your life because they may steal away your boyfriend or husband. This idea is illustrated at the beginning of the novel “我愿意” which is freely available in its entirety at Chinese online web sites. Novel covers the difficulty of a 32 year old professional women in finding a suitable husband.

  • 10
    Tom McDonald wrote on 9 October 2013:

    Hi Jim. Thanks very much for the reference. Look forward to having time to check it out. All the best, Tom

  • 11
    Lucy Chen wrote on 12 May 2015:

    Lucy Chen liked this on Facebook.